Hopefully most of "my readers" (whatever that means) are familiar with the show, Seinfeld, as I have already often used that, along with Curb Your Enthusiasm.
This post is a spin on the Seinfeld episode, "The Contest" with the cast of characters involving Concordia staff. The "Seinfeld" in this scheme is our soccer coach, Joe Alianiello, who came up with the genius idea. The rest of the cast involves conference & events specialist Julie Neidt (pronounced "Night" not "Neat"), assistant AD Valerie Olson, myself (the SID, writer of the DIS), my wife Stephanie and her mother, Jolene and brother, Chris. Also contributing was Melissa Wolf, assistant SID (no affiliation with DIS).
So here's the premise: Joe came up with this brilliant (another word for genius at the sake of avoiding redundancy) idea to do the Master Cleanse diet. He enters my office and asks, "Julie and I are doing the Master Cleanse, are you in or out?"
Not know what he was talking about, I asked for more info. He proceeded to explain the MC, calling it a lemonade flushing system that rids the body of all toxins. Anyone who knows me well knows that I drink coffee in the morning, diet coke in the afternoon and if I'm lucky, beer in the evening. I could use this flush, I'm thinking.
I ask what it entails. Joe proceeds to explain the plan, and as he does and I realize I have to go 10 full days with just drinking "lemonade" I insist there is an 80% chance that I will fail on the first full day of lemonade (which is the fourth day of the MC).
However, I decide to tell him that if he convinces Steph then I'm in. So he emails me a link, I forward to Steph and as a health fanatic that loves trying crazy things, Steph is gung-ho about it.
So, we are both in. Steph then proceeds to get her mom and brother involved, saying they are both "in" as well.
While Julie and I are in Joe's office, we get Valerie on the phone and she's "in" - now this is a good crew, seven in all. With that kind of system in place, I think this will be a "lock" for success!
Still in Joe's office, Julie and I get more info on what this lemonade drink really consists of: freshly squeezed lemons, grade B maple syrup (not Mrs. Butterworths which is the "good stuff") and cayenne pepper.
GROSS. But whatever, I like lemonade, syrup and spicy stuff so it has to be good, right? Or at least consumable.
So, I'm still reluctantly in, despite my hesitations about only consuming liquid for 10 days - yikes.
This all occurred on a Thursday, and we were to start on Monday. So we had four days to gorge ourselves with any food imaginable. When it hit midnight on Sunday, no more good stuff.
On Sunday evening, after bowling where I consumed nearly a pitcher of beer, I hit up the grocery store while Steph studied, bought up our fruits and veggies for day 1, and possibly day 2 since I went a little overboard. Apples, strawberries, blueberries, raspberries, red/green/yellow/orange peppers, broccoli, carrots and cauliflower. We were all set.
After the grocery store, since Steph was cramming for a Tuesday test, I stopped at Applebees and ordered a tall Miller Lite for my last beer for two weeks. It was funny because I assumed on a Sunday at 9:00 p.m. that there would be no one at the bar. But with President's Day on deck and Valentine's Day nearing an end, there were like six dudes of varying ages between early 20's and mid 60's all drinking away their single sorrows.
So I pounded my beer to avoid further conversation with the weird early 20's dude to my left and got out of dodge, happy to have put the beer and the people in the bar behind me.
I should also mention that at "Sunday Dinner" with Chris and Jolene they both confirmed that they were in fact NOT "in" for the MC. Since they probably never actually confirmed being "in" in the first place, they were not the first ones officially "out."
Monday morning strikes. I eat an apple and a handful of strawberries for breakfast, feeling confident.
No coffee, though. It's going to be a rough morning.
9:30 a.m. rolls around and I'm absolutely starved for some reason, even though over half the time I don't eat breakfast anyways. But since I'm armed with four apples and four sliced up peppers, I dominate a sparkling red apple.
That tides me over until about 11:00 a.m. when I start eating some peppers. The mix of peppers saved me, and I was able to eat a lunch that filled me up.
We called Val from Joe's office where I was eating my third apple of the day, Julie was eating blueberries and Joe was eating tuna (that was his way of easing into the MC). Val said, "Oh man guys I had toast for breakfast, I guess I'm out! Shoot!" She didn't actually sound disappointed, though, and wasn't really the first "out" either since she never really started and apparently didn't even intend on being "in" without getting groceries for day 1!
We had baseball that afternoon at Metrodome, so I made sure to bring my fourth apple, my peppers and a big bottle of Aquafina with me. On the way to the Dome, I check in with Steph.
She had recently checked in with her doctor to make sure she could attempt this crazy venture without doing harm to her health since she requires potassium pills and high blood pressure medication - a combo that works together with her food intake.
Doctor says "no-go" as I find out via a text in the middle of the first of two baseball games. Now I'm at the dome, eating freaking peppers and drinking boring water, the guy at the dome press box just offered me the rights to dominate his fridge full of pop and I'm on this stupid-ass diet and my wife is now "out"?!?!
What gives!
With Steph now "out" (she's the Kramer of our Seinfeld scenario as first-out) I have to go home and see her and Chris eating her awesome meals in front of me while I drink this shit-concoction of lemonade-grade B maple syrup and cayenne pepper?
Fuck that, I'm "out"! That makes me the "Elaine" of the story as the second one out.
I did make it a full day, though, as I resisted the free soda at the dome all night. When I got home, when the clock struck midnight I gorged on a "Funfetti Valentine's Day Brownie" and it was glorious.
That day was awful. I had a headache all day, I was crabby and hungry and the apple/pepper combo really got old, and that was the EASY day?! That made my decision all the easier.
I woke up the next morning feeling awful and wondered if I felt this bad after one day of strictly fruits and veggies, how would I have felt five days into the lemonade bullshit?
I got to the office early and napped on my couch until 10:00 a.m., still feeling tired from the long day of work and baseball (14-plus hour Mondays are not Fundays).
Went to Holiday, grabbed a huge 24 ounce coffee and a bag of Cheeseburger Doritos.
On the way back to the office, I stopped by Conference & Events and knocked on the door to show off my Holiday purchases to Julie and she was not impressed.
Nor was Joe in the morning when I got to work with my TV dinner to put in the fridge for lunch.
I was immediately shunned by the only two left who were officially "in." They even had made predictions on how long I'd last. Joe said I'd crack on Friday (the second day of lemonade, a very good prediction since I said an 80% chance of failure on the FIRST day of lemonade!) while Julie gave me a little more (undeserved) credit by saying I'd make it through the weekend and crack on Monday.
But Melissa had my back. She was proud of me for getting back on the coffee bandwagon and off the MC and even suggested my Cheeseburger Doritos selection (and they are really good, ps). You see, last year, she gave up coffee for lent and we shared an office at the time and I continued our ritual of drinking coffee. So on Monday, she had a pot of coffee brewed that smelled wonderful that I couldn't help her finish. The last half of that pot is still currently resting in the coffee pot two days later, by the by...
After a completely normal day of eating and being shunned yesterday, I receive a Facebook post from Julie in the evening saying she broke down and ate food and was officially "out" as well.
So Julie made it to Tuesday night, presumably just drinking soup broth and juice all day yesterday. She would be the Jerry in our story, as the show would reveal in the series finale the true winner...George...
...That brings us to Joe Costanza - the Master of His Domain.
He was happy because he'll continue his Tuna Trend (I like alliterations...) through the weekend and officially start the MC on Monday meaning his recruiting trip to St. Cloud will not be interrupted by crazy spicy-tangy lemonade.
So Joe is the winner, sort of. I think he'll actually make it through a good chunk of the MC. I can't wait to get a taste sample of the lemonade next week.
So, Mr. Joe Alianiello, you are officially the Master of Your Domain - Congratulations!
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Sunday, February 14, 2010
An Ideal Life
Growing up, whenever I was on a road trip I would picture my life as if I had lived there. Looking back, it is easy to realize that this mental image as an adolescent was overly romanticized. Whether it was driving through the western plains of Minnesota, a journey from the Twin Cities to Chicago, or my annual drive with my dad and Paul to Kansas City. All of the communities we passed through would spur my imagination at some point in time.
Either in the car just gazing out the window across the landscape, skyscrapers or neighborhoods; or actually being in the community at a restaurant, gas station, baseball field or any other public setting - these are the experiences that helped shape my imagination.
Today is Valentine's Day. Lately, I've been so busy that I was not able to make it to a spot of commercialization to purchase some red or pink crap to buy for my wife, Stephanie, who deserves any of that type of stuff she wants.
However, we had a nice little Valentine's Day together. We went to the move, appropriately titled, "Valentine's Day" with her mom (Jolene), brother (Chris) and his girlfriend (Nicole) before going out to eat at Panino's - a family favorite. We topped it off with our bowling league and as a husband-wife team we completely dominated.
The movie Valentine's Day sparked my imagination. And another movie we recently watched from Netflix, "Up" - a Pixar film, also sparked my imagination.
These factors along with my life-long habit of daydreaming for my future life in various settings over numerous points of my life made my mind explode.
The movie Valentine's Day was far from Oscar-worthy, but was entertaining and had a great cast and was well worth the movie ticket purchase.
It also provided plenty of thought-provoking moments to people of all age groups from childhood to high school to young adulthood to married life through elderly years.
But what I started thinking about was my own experience and why I appreciate my wife, Stephanie.
Before the movie, there was a preview for a movie called "She's Out of My League" - a completely ridiculous concept for a romantic comedy. Basically, Hollywood is telling the population that everyone gets a rating (1-10) and "5's" have no business being with "10's" regardless of personality traits outside of athleticism, looks or perceived popularity. It's pure adolescence being portrayed by adults which is dangerous.
I've often joked with friends that I've overachieved, and have joked with other friends have they have also overachieved. It's a fun way to compliment our own significant others and wives while also complimenting our friends.
But in reality it is complete and utter bullshit.
The rating scale is a complete myth and is one of the factors leading to high divorce rates despite what the evangelicals will say about gay marriage being the reason (another talking point from "Valentine's Day" by the way...).
Getting back on point, I have a great wife, and I think we compliment each other incredibly. I say this because of how our Valentine's Day went.
You see, Stephanie is a planner who enjoys spontaneity and I tend to live and act in the moment but enjoy someone else's diligence in creating and executing plans.
This morning, I woke up to Stephanie saying that my breakfast was ready and would get cold if I continued to wait and that a pot of coffee was brewing.
Who wouldn't wake up to this?! Despite not getting home from work the night before until 1:30 a.m. because of a triple overtime men's basketball game (which was SWEET by the way!).
When I got to the table, there was a card sitting with my sausage and cheese omelet, toast, coffee and milk. Wow, what a way to wake up and what a great gesture!
That took some pre-planning, thought and care on her part and I was so appreciative.
I tend to have things brewing upstairs about how I feel constantly and have trouble putting my feelings into actions such as a breakfast. Why do I have this disconnect? I have no idea, but I'm just not wired how Steph is. But I am not void of thoughts and feelings about my appreciation for my wife, what she means to me and how I feel about her regardless of if it is a greeting card holiday, her birthday, our anniversary, etc.
Take my proposal. I clearly put a lot of thought into the rest of my life. I bought a house with her, that speaks volumes, right? But when it came to marriage, I approached my proposal differently and on a separate timeline. I knew I wanted it to be "right."
I finally purchased the ring, special ordered, and when I went to pick it up, I had no idea when I'd ask. But when I saw the ring and put it in my finger-tips, I was so excited I couldn't wait.
I had all the words I wanted to say, and put them on paper in a "Birthday Card" that was two weeks late. (Good thing I put the words in writing, as I would later learn I'm not good off-the-cuff at Andrew and Sara's wedding in my best man's speech - more on that in a future blog...).
When I got home that night, it was just one of those days. A bad day all around for all involved. I even had to go pick her brother, Chris, up in the middle of the street because he ran out of gas a few miles away.
When I got home, I was still so excited despite a bad day that I made my move. Dressed in scrubby clothes at home in our living room, I popped the question.
She was completely surprised and ecstatic and we had a moment neither of us will forget.
So that is just how I roll.
Today, similar. No card, no presents. But, we had a great day with a movie, dinner and our couples bowling time, and even spent time with her family.
But I'm not done.
You see, all of this shaped my thoughts in such profound ways and it really hit me hard during the movie, almost to the point of me breaking out in tears a few times because my thoughts were so surreal.
I had everything I wanted to write in this blog come to me clearly about 3/4 through the movie. But I knew it was eight-plus hours until I'd get to write it out.
But here is what I know.
I have the wife we should all strive to marry. I'm not saying Steph is the perfect wife for every man. But she is the perfect wife for me. She's the perfect blend of spontaneity and planning. The perfect mix of carelessness and cleanliness. The perfect mix of energy and relaxation. And I think I have the exact compliments to all of her traits in every way. We balance each other out perfectly. When I'm hot, she's cold - meaning if she needs my blankets, I don't need mine.
Quite simply, we just "work."
And I adore her more than anything in the world.
To bring it all together, when I think back to all of my mythical journeys and lifetimes I've dreamed of, she's always there.
Whether we live in the country on a farm and are swinging on our porch drinking lemonade as 85 year olds reminiscing about our lives together; or are running on treadmills in our trendy downtown condo's - it's her that matters. It's having her friendship, her love, her companionship that matters the most.
I can see myself taking a job in Southern California, going to the beach regularly, always having warm weather; but it's her that makes it sunny.
I can see myself living in New York in a hustle and bustle style of life, but it's her that gives me the energy to be my best.
I see myself taking a risk and moving to Europe to get away from the Red/Blue nightmare that stalemates progress in the U.S. but it's her that gives me adventure. It's her that makes me secure that I won't fail.
I can see myself giving everything up and moving to Mexico for paradise and it's her that gives me the serenity that we'll be able to be happy despite leaving our lives behind.
But most importantly, it's her that allows me to be confident in our lives together as home owners in New Brighton as I continue to pursue a highly stressful but highly rewarding career in a position as the breadwinner of the family that barely allows us to pay the bills.
Meanwhile, I hope that I'm able to be the force in her life that provides the same balance and stability, giving her confidence to pursue her education so she can change careers to be a highly skilled and qualified nurse.
And we can do it anywhere and with confidence. That is the best part of the equation. I'd sell our home in a heartbeat and pick up and move as long as I know that Stephanie is by my side.
Together, anything is possible. That is not something I would've said before life with Stephanie.
It's something I didn't immediately understand, but as I continue to live in it everyday, it puts me more and more at ease. All that matters is that we are happy. Where we are and what we do are nothing without that happiness together. And happiness is only attainable together.
These are just some of the thoughts that rumbled through me today in the dark movie theatre in Mounds View. Many of my thoughts were crystal clear at the time, and now seem to resemble one of my rambling basketball game recaps (see this Friday and Saturday's recaps - talk about wordy!).
On that note, if anyone has read this far, come find me and I'll buy you a bottle of pop, as my boss told me the other night about the writings he used to do for his corporate job.
One person I know is still reading is my loyal wife, Stephanie, who certainly wouldn't be reading this far if it was anyone but me writing.
But for anyone else brave enough to withstand this much of my text, the point is that what I have in my wife is more than I could've ever imagined possible. I have a companion, a best friend but most importantly, a soul mate.
I love you Stephanie Lynn.
Either in the car just gazing out the window across the landscape, skyscrapers or neighborhoods; or actually being in the community at a restaurant, gas station, baseball field or any other public setting - these are the experiences that helped shape my imagination.
Today is Valentine's Day. Lately, I've been so busy that I was not able to make it to a spot of commercialization to purchase some red or pink crap to buy for my wife, Stephanie, who deserves any of that type of stuff she wants.
However, we had a nice little Valentine's Day together. We went to the move, appropriately titled, "Valentine's Day" with her mom (Jolene), brother (Chris) and his girlfriend (Nicole) before going out to eat at Panino's - a family favorite. We topped it off with our bowling league and as a husband-wife team we completely dominated.
The movie Valentine's Day sparked my imagination. And another movie we recently watched from Netflix, "Up" - a Pixar film, also sparked my imagination.
These factors along with my life-long habit of daydreaming for my future life in various settings over numerous points of my life made my mind explode.
The movie Valentine's Day was far from Oscar-worthy, but was entertaining and had a great cast and was well worth the movie ticket purchase.
It also provided plenty of thought-provoking moments to people of all age groups from childhood to high school to young adulthood to married life through elderly years.
But what I started thinking about was my own experience and why I appreciate my wife, Stephanie.
Before the movie, there was a preview for a movie called "She's Out of My League" - a completely ridiculous concept for a romantic comedy. Basically, Hollywood is telling the population that everyone gets a rating (1-10) and "5's" have no business being with "10's" regardless of personality traits outside of athleticism, looks or perceived popularity. It's pure adolescence being portrayed by adults which is dangerous.
I've often joked with friends that I've overachieved, and have joked with other friends have they have also overachieved. It's a fun way to compliment our own significant others and wives while also complimenting our friends.
But in reality it is complete and utter bullshit.
The rating scale is a complete myth and is one of the factors leading to high divorce rates despite what the evangelicals will say about gay marriage being the reason (another talking point from "Valentine's Day" by the way...).
Getting back on point, I have a great wife, and I think we compliment each other incredibly. I say this because of how our Valentine's Day went.
You see, Stephanie is a planner who enjoys spontaneity and I tend to live and act in the moment but enjoy someone else's diligence in creating and executing plans.
This morning, I woke up to Stephanie saying that my breakfast was ready and would get cold if I continued to wait and that a pot of coffee was brewing.
Who wouldn't wake up to this?! Despite not getting home from work the night before until 1:30 a.m. because of a triple overtime men's basketball game (which was SWEET by the way!).
When I got to the table, there was a card sitting with my sausage and cheese omelet, toast, coffee and milk. Wow, what a way to wake up and what a great gesture!
That took some pre-planning, thought and care on her part and I was so appreciative.
I tend to have things brewing upstairs about how I feel constantly and have trouble putting my feelings into actions such as a breakfast. Why do I have this disconnect? I have no idea, but I'm just not wired how Steph is. But I am not void of thoughts and feelings about my appreciation for my wife, what she means to me and how I feel about her regardless of if it is a greeting card holiday, her birthday, our anniversary, etc.
Take my proposal. I clearly put a lot of thought into the rest of my life. I bought a house with her, that speaks volumes, right? But when it came to marriage, I approached my proposal differently and on a separate timeline. I knew I wanted it to be "right."
I finally purchased the ring, special ordered, and when I went to pick it up, I had no idea when I'd ask. But when I saw the ring and put it in my finger-tips, I was so excited I couldn't wait.
I had all the words I wanted to say, and put them on paper in a "Birthday Card" that was two weeks late. (Good thing I put the words in writing, as I would later learn I'm not good off-the-cuff at Andrew and Sara's wedding in my best man's speech - more on that in a future blog...).
When I got home that night, it was just one of those days. A bad day all around for all involved. I even had to go pick her brother, Chris, up in the middle of the street because he ran out of gas a few miles away.
When I got home, I was still so excited despite a bad day that I made my move. Dressed in scrubby clothes at home in our living room, I popped the question.
She was completely surprised and ecstatic and we had a moment neither of us will forget.
So that is just how I roll.
Today, similar. No card, no presents. But, we had a great day with a movie, dinner and our couples bowling time, and even spent time with her family.
But I'm not done.
You see, all of this shaped my thoughts in such profound ways and it really hit me hard during the movie, almost to the point of me breaking out in tears a few times because my thoughts were so surreal.
I had everything I wanted to write in this blog come to me clearly about 3/4 through the movie. But I knew it was eight-plus hours until I'd get to write it out.
But here is what I know.
I have the wife we should all strive to marry. I'm not saying Steph is the perfect wife for every man. But she is the perfect wife for me. She's the perfect blend of spontaneity and planning. The perfect mix of carelessness and cleanliness. The perfect mix of energy and relaxation. And I think I have the exact compliments to all of her traits in every way. We balance each other out perfectly. When I'm hot, she's cold - meaning if she needs my blankets, I don't need mine.
Quite simply, we just "work."
And I adore her more than anything in the world.
To bring it all together, when I think back to all of my mythical journeys and lifetimes I've dreamed of, she's always there.
Whether we live in the country on a farm and are swinging on our porch drinking lemonade as 85 year olds reminiscing about our lives together; or are running on treadmills in our trendy downtown condo's - it's her that matters. It's having her friendship, her love, her companionship that matters the most.
I can see myself taking a job in Southern California, going to the beach regularly, always having warm weather; but it's her that makes it sunny.
I can see myself living in New York in a hustle and bustle style of life, but it's her that gives me the energy to be my best.
I see myself taking a risk and moving to Europe to get away from the Red/Blue nightmare that stalemates progress in the U.S. but it's her that gives me adventure. It's her that makes me secure that I won't fail.
I can see myself giving everything up and moving to Mexico for paradise and it's her that gives me the serenity that we'll be able to be happy despite leaving our lives behind.
But most importantly, it's her that allows me to be confident in our lives together as home owners in New Brighton as I continue to pursue a highly stressful but highly rewarding career in a position as the breadwinner of the family that barely allows us to pay the bills.
Meanwhile, I hope that I'm able to be the force in her life that provides the same balance and stability, giving her confidence to pursue her education so she can change careers to be a highly skilled and qualified nurse.
And we can do it anywhere and with confidence. That is the best part of the equation. I'd sell our home in a heartbeat and pick up and move as long as I know that Stephanie is by my side.
Together, anything is possible. That is not something I would've said before life with Stephanie.
It's something I didn't immediately understand, but as I continue to live in it everyday, it puts me more and more at ease. All that matters is that we are happy. Where we are and what we do are nothing without that happiness together. And happiness is only attainable together.
These are just some of the thoughts that rumbled through me today in the dark movie theatre in Mounds View. Many of my thoughts were crystal clear at the time, and now seem to resemble one of my rambling basketball game recaps (see this Friday and Saturday's recaps - talk about wordy!).
On that note, if anyone has read this far, come find me and I'll buy you a bottle of pop, as my boss told me the other night about the writings he used to do for his corporate job.
One person I know is still reading is my loyal wife, Stephanie, who certainly wouldn't be reading this far if it was anyone but me writing.
But for anyone else brave enough to withstand this much of my text, the point is that what I have in my wife is more than I could've ever imagined possible. I have a companion, a best friend but most importantly, a soul mate.
I love you Stephanie Lynn.
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