Journey to, and of, Fatherhood

Preconceived Notions
I've been a parent for 10 months and a week, now. I can honestly say, that in my young adult life, pre-fatherhood, I was scared of being a parent. I thought it was going to be hard and I thought I'd lose my own identity. But I also knew that I always wanted to be a dad.

An Extraordinary Woman makes me do Extraordinary Things
Sometimes it takes people to take you out of your comfort zone, though. I have that in my wonderful wife, Steph. She's always challenging me and pushing  me to do things that I don't think I can, don't want to or don't think I'm ready for.

It took Steph for me to finally buy an HD-TV, which is something I had studied and agonized over for damn-near a decade. If it wasn't for Steph, I might have researched buying a house for the same amount of time. With Steph, I walk into Best Buy, stare at every TV. Study the specs, look at the picture, analyze the price, etc. She see's this happening, walks up to a salesman and says, "We'll take this one." Done deal.

With the house, we went and looked at five or six houses one cold day in January. The last house we walked into just felt right. So because of Steph, we went after it.

Fast forward to deciding to have a family. If it was up to me, I'd have thoughtfully considered every detail about when the right time would be. Then, we'd never get there because something always would come up. With Steph, we got to a point and she just gets me. She knows when it's time to do stuff, whether it's buy a house, a TV, or have a baby.

These are just examples of how my life goes, now. Stuff like this is a regular occurrence. I feel like with Steph, I can do anything in the world (except run a marathon, why would I want to do that?).

The Journey Begins...
We got pregnant within a matter of a few months. For Steph, each month seemed like a massive failure. For me, I knew it was a process and was in it for the long haul and helped her avoid becoming discouraged or upset with results. But we were lucky, it took only a few months and we got the green light (or the red line, or whatever means "pregnant!").

We told our families when we were still only a few weeks along, very early in the pregnancy because Steph was to run the Minneapolis Marathon. This means a healthy dose of family and friends cheering her on along the course. But with Baby Deer in tow, she was backing out of the race (reluctantly, I might add).

So we arranged a big pre-race dinner for family and friends at Old Spaghetti Factory where they thought we'd be loading her with carbs and more energy (as if she needs more energy!). But to their surprise, we announced she wouldn't be running because we were pregnant.

Rocky Mountain High to Rock Bottom - Overnight
It was a super memorable moment I'll never forget. I think my dad even had a couple tears come out and I know my mother-in-law did! The emotions are so hard to explain but they are absolutely overwhelming. Everyone was overjoyed.

The next morning, something was not right and Steph was super concerned. We rushed to the hospital at some odd hour of the morning, sat in the ER for what seemed like an eternity, had tests done and went to get an ultrasound where the technician was stone-faced the whole time. She didn't show an ounce of emotion, and I'm sure she's trained to do exactly that. An ER ultrasound tech must be either directly trained or have had so many tough experiences that it's ingrained: stone cold no emotion. The ultrasound seemed to last forever, and I studied the little monitor for any sign of the baby or heartbeat I could.  It looked very similar to the ultrasound I had seen at Steph's clinic but I couldn't be certain. I can't remember if I had convinced myself  everything was fine, or if I had silently come to terms with what my worst fears were.

We went back to an ER room and waited. And waited. And waited.

Finally a doctor came in, and I could see it in his eyes. He started to speak and his voice trembled slightly as he confirmed our most horrific fears: we had lost our baby. It was such a horrible moment I thought we'd never recover. My heart screamed out silently for my wife, who I can't imagine how she had felt physically and emotionally; especially because of the pain I had felt for the loss. She was beginning to bond with our child in ways only a mother can know. And now...ugh.

When we left the hospital, Steph asked me to call her mother. Man, I don't even think I spit the words out I started balling immediately and she just knew. It was morning, but I don't know what time it was. The sun was out but it was one of the gloomiest moments of my life.

It was such a roller coaster. 12 hours earlier we had shared in so much joy with our family. My sister even got a "My auntie rocks" onesie for her new niece/nephew. We went from the highest high to the lowest low.

We'd struggle for the next few weeks. But we had each other and we helped each other through. We watched episode after episode of TV on Netflix, I think it was the Showtime series, Weeds. I think we watched five or six entire seasons of it in a matter of a couple weeks. Time was irrelevant.

We had planned a trip to Colorado, and one of my SID-friends who works at Metro State even helped us get really good Rockies' tickets which meant I got to cross Coors Field off my baseball stadium bucket list. But as the trip approached I just didn't feel like going. I was not myself. So I cancelled my plane ticket and told Steph to have fun with her girlfriends.

Back on Top
Then came unexpected, super good news. We were pregnant again!!! We were much more apprehensive about when we'd tell family and friends, but with Steph's impending trip to Denver, she was forced to tell her friends because she wouldn't be enjoying any adult beverages, and she is horrible at lying.

So we kind of started telling people right around that time in the summer of 2010. The next seven to eight months seemed to drag for me. I made it my mission to be at as many appointments as I could. It helped me learn about what was happening, I enjoyed meeting Steph's doctors and nurses. And knowing my crazy weekend schedules, it was a really easy thing for me to be able to do.

The Rocky Road to Baby Logan Begins...
We had some hurdles along the way, like Steph's kidney stones on Thanksgiving weekend. She had a few "spotting" spells that scared the shit out of us. Most of all, her high blood pressure was a constant source of stress for me.

I constantly worried she'd be put on bed rest or we'd have to deliver insanely early. I also frequently worried about complications during birth. I couldn't imagine coping with the loss of this child, and I couldn't imagine coping with life without Steph. There were times when I had a hard time calming myself down from my worry.

Which is another reason I was excited to go to Steph's appointments. If I had concerns, I could ask the doctor directly. AND I DID! Many of you know Steph. She is not a good patient, and she does not necessarily relay information accurately. She wouldn't have been good at the telephone game as a child! So going right to the source (doctor) was a very calming aspect of the pregnancy for me.

I think anyone who knows us well knows our labor/delivery story. Steph was very open about it, and it was well-documented. The short version: at about 37 or 38 weeks (Feb. 28), a Monday night, Steph's face was super swollen. She had puffy lips, I had never seen anything like it. So we made the usual route to the hospital.

On that drive, I just knew I'd be meeting my baby shortly. I was so excited, but very nervous for Steph's health.

It was very hard to balance, especially while concentrating on driving. But I'm already a careful driver, so it was all good.

The Delivery
When we got there, they did all the usual tests. We had a home playoff basketball game that week, so I brought my laptop to do my regular game notes. I had plenty of time to work on them, so I got after it while we waited and Steph watched some crap on TLC on the shitty TV in the room.

After the tests were, etc., they came back in and said, "well, I hope you are ready to have this baby because it's gotta come out." I believe they diagnosed Steph with pre-eclampsia which meant the only cure was to have the baby.

Welcome to the World, Son!
Fast forward to Wednesday early evening, at 6:17 p.m. and out came Logan Jay Deer.

When he came out, it was the most amazing moment of my life. It was like being hit by a semi-truck full of emotion. I cried my eyes out immediately when I laid eyes on him.

But his color was super pale, and the first thing I hear Steph say as she grabs him to hold him was "why isn't he breathing?!"

She doesn't remember saying this, but it totally freaked me out and I was internally panicking and overjoyed at the same time. But everything was normal, so the nurses cleaned him off, got the stuff out of his lungs, etc.

I was on the other side of the room from him with a hospital bed, tons of medical equipment and a bunch of people separated us. It was nerve-wracking. I wanted to be with him immediately!

Finally, after Steph, Laura and Joanna held him, I got my turn. Meeting him was a brilliant moment. Completely perfect.

I have only held a few babies in my adult life, and none this small. None this new. None this fragile. I had been nervous or scared to hold other babies, including my nieces.

But not Logan. He was mine, I'd protect him from anything; and he knew I was his dad. It was amazing. It felt so real, so right. I loved him with every ounce of my soul immediately.

The Beginning of Fatherhood
The next few days, I changed my first diapers, and did all sorts of other stuff I never thought I'd be ready for, never thought I'd be able to do. The nurses and staff at Abbott were great in helping me learn, but it was all natural.

And it has been ever since. Being a father is the most natural thing I've ever done in my life. It's the best part of my life, too.

That night, while Steph was recovering, Logan and I sat down and flipped open my laptop to watch our first game together. Our men's basketball team was hosting Winona State - a perennial Division II power - in the first round of the conference tournament. To host a team of this caliber means you had a really good season. I was excited about this game, but I was more excited to sit with my son and call it our first game together.

Little did I know that Logan was not ready to live life without interruption for two straight hours! So we didn't watch the whole game, but rather bits and pieces here and there between diapers, exams and baths. I was even able to text a few fact corrections to our play-by-play broadcaster to which he gave a shout out, something like, "and, oh, a fact correction from Josh Deer, the sports information director at Concordia who is away from the game for the birth of his son..."

But I had more important things to worry about besides a basketball game. It was a big night that changed my life. I had been a little sick that week and obviously had not slept much and had a lot to learn, so the details of the game completely escape me after the shout out other than we had lost.

The next day, I remember holding Logan in my arms out in front of me so I could see his little face and I'll never forget the first time he peeked his little eyes open and made eye contact with me. I felt like I was looking at myself as a baby, if I had to put it into words. WOW! My little boy!

Ready to be a Father, question mark?
That moment set the tone for the next 10 months. Logan, we took you home that Friday, just your third day in the world. We got home and realized we had no clothes small enough for your little body. Your mom's high blood pressure did not allow you to fully grow, so you were just a peanut.

Mom still calls you peanut. Even though her heart didn't let you grow big in her belly, your brain got every ounce of development it needed. Your organs were developed, and you were just ready to start growing on your own!

But without clothes, or even diapers that fit, we got home and panicked. We had a breakdown. First, mommy  lost it. Then, I decided to go take the dogs outside (we still had Ryder) and get the mail. On this short walk to the mail box I lost it.

But just like we helped each other get over losing Baby Deer before you came, we got each other through our first few days at home, and of course had to make a couple trips to the ER for jaundice.

You slept that first night for something like eight hours. We were thrilled, until we learned that was a bad sign. You needed to wake up when you were hungry, that's what your doctors told us.

So we focused on feeding you often and you started to grow up really fast! The doctors at Children's Hospital even put a strict plan together that got you back on the growth charts!

My First Letter to Logan
Mr. Logan, you have been a joy to be with. From the mornings when mom brings you into bed and you wiggle your way around to me as I sleep peacefully to wake me up with your little laughs and wiggles. I wake my sleepy eyes to see you chugging a bottle, sitting up like a big boy resting on mom's pillow.

Always smiling and laughing, you've been such a joy to raise. So many unforgettable moments we've had together. We'd do anything for you.

Yes, there have been times I've been so frustrated I have had to leave the room with you wailing away in your crib. Times when we've been alone together and I didn't know how we'd make it through the day. Those moments were just that: moments. They always gave way to happiness, laughter or simply peaceful naps because you were too tired to do anything but cry!

I can't explain how much easier being a parent is compared to what I had made it out to be. Diapers? Piece of cake! Bath time? No problemo!

I must admit, a big reason why I've enjoyed being a parent so much, is because of your mother. You have supermom on your side, and so do I. We are truly lucky dudes. Your mom can do anything, and she is such a good mom that it makes it impossible for me to fail as a father!

Most importantly, though, Logan: we have fun as a family just about every day!

Watching you grow up is the most rewarding part of my life. Leaving you in the morning is a challenge, but you always smile at me before I go. Coming home to you at the end of the day is a feeling I can't explain. I love walking into the house and finding you, and seeing your eyes light up when we greet each other.

You have your own little personality and are a perfect combination of your parents. You have your mommy's enthusiasm and energy for life, and you smile like your Grandpa Randy. Your mom will tell you all about him as you grow up, I promise.

It's been a while since I've blogged. Tonight, I was inspired to write by your Grandpa George. You know, he writes about you often. He keeps a journal of letters he's writing to you.

So I've decided to do the same. Hopefully I'll be able to write Letters to Logan on a regular basis for the rest of your life, or at least until you tell me to stop because it embarrasses you.

I still remember telling my dad not to call me "Goober" anymore because it embarrassed me. We were driving up my old street, Finch Way, in the car to the house I grew up in. I don't remember how old I was, maybe eight? But I know I regretted telling him that shortly after, but never wanted to admit it.

So now, one of your many nicknames is "Goober" and I hope that's okay with you.

I love you, son!

Love, Dad

Tebow Time for a Rant

INTRO
The Tim Tebow Phenomenon has inspired me to do a lot of reflecting. Throughout the season, I've been very interested to observe what's happened with public perception on this issue. The media has been against him all season for one reason, and it's not because they hate God or hate his politics, it's because they hate being wrong.

SELF-PROCLAIMED UNDERDOG
Here's where I get confused on Tim Tebow. He declares himself an underdog, like he's always had an uphill climb in life. Um, okay Tim.

If being one of the top ranked high school recruits with a freakishly athletic 6-foot, 3-inch build is being an underdog, what does that make the David Eckstein's of the world?!

Then he gets a full college scholarship to play for one of the top NCAA Division I football programs in the country, and a fine academic institution: University of Florida. Boy, being an underdog sure has it's perks!

As a true freshman, he didn't get to start, because they had a senior starting quarterback named Chris Leak that was another prized recruit 4 years earlier. Leak didn't make it as an NFL quarterback, but he did well for himself. The Gators only won the National Championship his senior year, with a rookie star in the making Tebow playing a key reserve role and finishing 2nd on the team in rushing yards.

As a sophomore, Tebow took the reins, like everyone knew he would when he was recruited. And, he did okay, he only won the Heisman Trophy. As a junior, he won the National Championship for the second time in his three year career. By his senior year, he had the SEC record for career passing efficiency and career rushing touchdowns. Not a bad combo. Oh yeah, he was 2nd in NCAA history in pass efficiency and 10th in career rushing touchdowns. He was a three-time All-American (two-time First Team).

Still, he's a self proclaimed underdog.

Then he goes and gets drafted in the first round by the Denver Broncos. Life is rough, isn't it?

He starts three games as a rookie, Aaron Rodgers didn't even get to do that.

He earns the starting QB job as a second year pro this year, and is a piece of the puzzle that turned the Broncos from a 1-4 team into AFC West Division Champions and a playoff team.

He had amazing 4th quarter heroics. His best attribute is not his build, his frame, his athleticism, his strong arm or his QB instincts. His best attributes are his work ethic, his leadership and his unfailing ability to forget his prior failures. How many players in the history of the game can be exposed as a terrible quarterback for 3 quarters, and in the 4th quarter lead his team to victory? He's never thinking about his last throw, he's always thinking about his next throw.

This is an intangible quality that the Todd McShay's and Mel Kiper's couldn't measure. The combines, the personality tests, the interviews, etc. But the Broncos saw something. And even if John Elway has been ready to pull the plug all season, the intangibles are most likely going to win him over as well.

Any player that starts as a high school great with everyone saying how great you'll be at college and probably a professional is never going to be an underdog. Any 3 year starter at a school like Florida (Ohio State, USC, LSU, Notre Dame, etc.) who wins two NCAA titles and a Heisman is never going to be an underdog. First Round Draft Picks are not underdogs.

Player's with Tebow's pedigree will all be scrutinized for everything they do as an NFL player. Tebow has earned the right to be nit-picked at the highest level. This is what happens to guys who have already achieved what he has achieved.

So he can go one of two ways: the Aaron Rodgers route - a QB who slid on draft day and had to sit on the sidelines for his shot at glory, and then delivered when it was his turn; or first round bust.

Helping his team reach the playoffs and winning a first round playoff game already put him out of the first round bust equation.

But he's nowhere near Aaron Rodgers, Peyton Manning, Drew Brees or Tom Brady status. And let's not forget, Tom Brady is way closer to an "underdog" than Tim Tebow ever will be. A 6th round pick, won the Super Bowl in his first year as starter with a former stud (Drew Bledsoe) sidelined because of injury.

Tim Tebow is what he is. He's a starting NFL quarterback. He deserves to start the Broncos next game. He deserves a contract extension to be the starting quarterback of the Denver Broncos. That makes him one of the 32 best quarterbacks in the world, and safe to say one of the top 20 QB's in the world.

The most important position in America's most popular sport, and Tebow is one of the 20 best in the world.

Is that an underdog?

LIKING TIM TEBOW
Part two of the rant are the Tebow supporters. If you are a Bronco fan, you should love this guy. He wins games and that's all that should matter as a fan. Who cares about the stats, it's the wins that count, and he already has a playoff win.

If you are just a fan of Tim Tebow, he's easy to like - I totally get it. He's a Christian with a good head on his shoulders. He's a leader. He works hard. He doesn't quit, he doesn't relent and he rallies guys around him when times are toughest. He has all the immeasurable characteristics.

If you like him because he's a Christian - that's okay! There's nothing wrong with that.

If you like him because of his conservative political values, that's okay, too!

There's nothing wrong with liking an athlete because of what they represent off the field. I'm moderate politically and am generally turned off by the extremes on both sides, however for disclaimer purposes, I do vote Democrat in nearly every election (that doesn't make me "a liberal" either for all my conservative readers).

That said, I don't know any other athlete's political stance - it's absolutely not a factor for me to like or dislike a player. I like players for what they do ON THE FIELD, that's my personal stance, because too many times a "good guy" athlete turns out to be a scum bag.

But Tebow's off-the-field views don't change his ability on the field. They don't make him the best player in the league. They don't make him the most compelling story in the league. Being a Christian and being conservative don't mean he deserves the headlines, and those qualities don't make him better at football. His values help make him a good man, but being a good man is hardly a prerequisite for being good at football and I think his supporters need to separate these things when his football play is criticized. Again, a player of his pedigree is going to be criticized for the reasons mentioned above.

TEBOW IS WHAT HE IS
He's certainly a flawed NFL quarterback. But so was Drew Brees. He was too short and didn't have a strong enough arm to be great, right? He's done pretty well. Tebow might have a slow delivery and telegraph passes, but he has a strong arm, and that pass to Thomas against the Steelers was a laser and right on the money.

The point here is this: Tim Tebow is what he is. Currently an average NFL quarterback, but a young NFL quarterback. He has major flaws to his game for his position. But he has what not many players have, almost a 6th sense. He is so young in his NFL career. Let's not anoint him the savior of football because he believes in Jesus; and at the same time let's not prosecute him out of the league because he takes forever to throw a ball.

Time will judge Tim Tebow as an NFL player. Will he be a Hall of Famer? It's not even worth discussing yet for any player of his experience. For a guy this young, take it a game at a time and keep it in context or fans of Tebow are setting Tebow the player up for failure if he doesn't live up to it.

He deserves to play, and as a result of getting his team to the playoffs and winning an NFL Playoff game, he deserves a contract extension and a starting job next year. From there, NFL jobs can be a game-by-game decision on if you deserve to play, especially at quarterback.

Let's not forget, Tarvaris Jackson went 8-2 as a starter and led the Vikings to the playoffs. Tebow could be the next great QB and a once-in-a-lifetime player due to his unorthodox QB attributes; or he could be the next Tarvaris Jackson. Time will tell, in the meantime, give him the ball against the Patriots and see what happens.

RELIGION IN THE NFL
Some people say his belief in God is over the top, unnecessary and should be kept out of the locker room. To those people, I say: Who cares, it doesn't affect you at all! If it's over the top, the guys in the locker room wouldn't respond to him as a leader. His team has rallied around him, and if they are fine with it, then you should be, too!

At the same time, God isn't winning football games for the Denver Broncos. I'd hope that God wouldn't intervene in the world through football, because in the grand scheme of things, it's just not that important. Bronco fans may disagree, though :)

There are Christians in both locker rooms, there are agnostics in both locker rooms, there are probably Muslims in both locker rooms on any given Sunday. Tebow is no more of a believer and no more righteous than any other Christian, he just has a large platform from which to be a role model for other Christians.

All believers are treated equal in the eyes of God, and I'd hope He wouldn't put special treatment on a spiral off of Tebow's left hand then on a spiral off the hand of any other quarterback.

It's okay for Tim Tebow to be himself. If his religion bothers you, maybe it's your own insecurity. Personally, I know what my faith is and I don't need Tim Tebow to tell me it's okay to be a Christian. So I ignore that aspect of Tim Tebow, because I don't know him, and he's not a personal role model in my life but it does make him a guy you want to root for.

I saw a Facebook post by a longtime family friend that said because of Tim Tebow's "John 3:16" on his eyeblack, XX million (don't remember the number, too lazy to look it up!) people Googled it; and he helped deliver the Gospel to that many people - maybe a decent percentage of them for the first time.

That's pretty cool.

I truly hope that Tim Tebow is who he says he is, and he's not just another out-of-touch superstar that has let the money and fame turn him into a non-human like so many other pro athletes, movie stars, music starts, politicians, etc. I hope he's not just another scum bag.

Time will tell, and Tebow has one true judge.